Why High Achievers Keep Tolerating the Wrong People

You're being "honest" — but are you actually honest? In this episode, Renae breaks down the difference between softening the truth and actually saying it, and why so many of us — especially women — have been conditioned to tiptoe around everyone else's feelings while quietly disregarding our own.

From a friendship that was costing her more than she realized, to the firefighter chief she used to walk on eggshells around, Renae connects the dots between draining relationships, invisible labor, and the nervous system toll of never quite saying what you mean.

Plus — Trim the Fat of Frustration: a simple practice for identifying who's draining your energy and what to actually do about it.

Want to hear more about the Energetic Intelligence: Relational Rewire? [Book a Call with Renae]

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Transcript

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You know that feeling when your phone lights up, you see a name, and your butthole just tightens up? It's certainly not out of excitement. It's not even neutral. It's just a hard nope. And you just sit there thinking to yourself, why am I even still doing this? Why do I entertain having this person in my life? If you know exactly what I'm talking about, this one is for you. Welcome to the audio and video version of the weekly recharge newsletter. I am Renee, and if you stumbled over here from the Hustle Rebels podcast, I'm really glad that you did. The weekly recharge is my newsletter where I write about the real stuff burnout, the relationships that drain you, the patterns that you didn't know that you were in, and how to actually start doing something about it. So grab whatever you're drinking and get comfortable. So let's get into this week's issue. I blurted something out to Nick recently that I'm not necessarily proud of, but I'm also completely at peace with. I had said, I truly wish she would never respond back to me ever again. And he looked at me and said simply, just be honest with her. And I let that simmer for a little bit. Just be honest. My first instinct was, I am being honest. But when I looked back at the texts, actually looked at them, I was honest, but not honest, honest. I was still softening things, downplaying how I actually felt, responding in ways that I knew wouldn't set her off, but then shrinking myself to manage her reaction. That's not honesty, it's tiptoeing. And I'd gotten so good at it that I didn't even notice that I was doing it. So here's the backstory. There's been a woman in my life for years who I've sort of tolerated. You know the type where the relationship is a hundred percent a one-way street. She took, I gave, and I accepted that dynamic for longer than I care to admit. We had a falling out last year, mostly because of how she was acting, but also honestly because I finally started to see the pattern clearly. And when I cut ties, I genuinely felt free later. So I have no idea why a few months ago I felt this pull to reach back out. I guess I convinced myself that I felt bad for making her feel bad. The conversation picked back up, and I think it felt different from my end. I thought maybe something had shifted. But she slid right back into the same dynamic. And slowly that dread started creeping in again. Every time I saw her name pop up on my phone, instant tension. It reminded me of my firefighter days when I would tiptoe around my chief just to avoid rattling his fragile ego. I spent so much of my energy managing his comfort that I started to blame myself if something went wrong. And here's what I have come to realize. We've been conditioned to do this, especially as women, to tiptoe around fragile egos, to manage everyone else's emotional temperature while quietly disregarding our own, to give and give and give and call it being a good friend, a good employee, a good partner. What it actually becomes is invisible labor, the kind that I talked about on the podcast this past week. That slow, cumulative drain that nobody acknowledges and nobody compensates you for. The kind that doesn't just take your time, it takes your identity. And it doesn't just stay in one relationship, it bleeds. It becomes the way that you move throughout the world. So when you've spent years communicating this way, softening, tiptoeing, making yourself manageable, you train the people around you to see you in a certain way. So when you finally do try to communicate your real needs, especially with a significant other, they don't know what to do with it. It doesn't match the version of you they've learned. So they shut down. And suddenly you're managing that too. This is the cycle, and it starts with never have learned or never allowing yourself to just be honest. Turns out I was still vibrating at a frequency that attracts it. But here's the thing: I get to change that, and you do too. And the first step is being honest with ourselves and then with the people around us. This is exactly the work that we go into inside energetic intelligence relational rewire. Not just identifying the patterns, but actually rewiring how you show up in your relationships with others and with yourself, ultimately changing the frequency around you. So if this is landing for you and you want to know more, grab some time on my calendar and let's talk. Because I would love to book a chat with you. And then this week's regulation practice is going to be the trim. Or better yet, trimming the fat of frustration. A practice for getting honest about who's costing you energy. Step one, run the phone test. I want you to think about the last five people who texted you or called you or anyone on your message list. When you saw each name, what did your body do? Did you feel lighter? Or did you feel that subtle brace, the little dread that means something? Your nervous system is already giving you the answer. You just have to be willing to listen to it. And then step two, do the math. Take the person that came up in step one and ask yourself three questions. Do they ask about my life? Or only bring up mine when it connects to theirs. When something big happens to me, do they show up? After I spend time with them or after their texts, do I feel energized or constantly depleted? You don't need to all three be a no to have your answer. Sometimes one is enough. Trust me, I'm sure you will have your answer. And then step three, decide what honesty looks like. This isn't about having a dramatic exit or never speaking to them again. Sometimes it's just stopping the tiptoeing, responding instead of initiating, being real instead of being managed. And sometimes, yeah, it does mean to just let go entirely. Either way, the decision starts with you being straight with yourself about what you actually want. Authenticity is hard. Trust me, it ruffles feathers, especially the ones that have gotten so used to being fluffed. But it also starts clearing the room for the people who actually raise your energy, the ones who do check in on you, who show up for you, who make your day better just by being in it. And then this week on the Hustle Rebels podcast, if you have been feeling like you're doing everything right and still running unempty, then this past week's episode is for you. I broke down invisible labor and what it actually is, why it goes so far beyond the mental load of a household, and how it quietly extracts your identity, not just your time. We also get into the reticular activating system and how it keeps you locked into blueprints that you never consciously chose. And what years of carrying that cognitive load actually does to your system. So then this coming week, I'm going to be sitting down with Dr. Shruti Punjabi, who's an urban planner, applied social scientist, and researcher who has literally lived every one of these tensions firsthand. So it's a conversation I've been looking forward to you guys hearing, and I think you will too. You'll be able to watch on YouTube and listen to it on all of your favorite platforms. So then if you're new here or feeling nostalgic, you can check out all of the previous editions of the weekly recharge by clicking the link in the description. And I recommend you even subscribe for future ones. Until next week, you can share this with a friend to help them stay regulated as well, and keep turning inward because the answers you've been chasing are already there. See you guys next week.